Angries Horrorscope

Today, dear Angries, your internal volcano simmers ominously beneath the surface, awaiting a heroic cause. Fear not: the universe has read your browser history and will kindly supply an endless parade of minor irritations, especially in the form of appliances that sense your approach before malfunctioning. The coffee maker, in particular, considers you a worthy adversary.

You may believe you're combating a vast cosmic conspiracy of malfunctioning objects. Really, it's just the cruel joke of fate that every printer within a ten-foot radius has agreed to some sort of ergonomic protest. Your valiant battle will be observed by your coworkers — some will cheer in hushed whispers, others will retreat quietly, making offerings to the network gods.

This is an ideal day to practice deep breathing. While inhaling the scent of singed toner, remember: each slow-loading website is training you for greater disappointments. Patience is a muscle — and yours is comically underdeveloped. Commit to growing it, unless, of course, that's too frustrating.

As evening arrives, the universe suggests a moment of reflection (or at least, shouting at the sky). Your efforts to fix the unfixable will inspire others, mostly to hide their remotes. But there is solace in knowing that, in the grand cosmic farce, you are the combustible protagonist. Rest well, or as well as anyone whose toaster betrayed them can.