Capricorpse Horrorscope
Updated daily at midnight
December 22 - January 19
Haunted by deadlines and the ghost of productivity past. Ambitious, but mostly ambitious about getting enough sleep.
Today, Capricorpse, the specter of responsibility breathes extra cold upon your nape. Tasks will multiply like cursed mogwai after midnight; every time you complete one, two more will haunt your inbox. Productivity’s ghost tips its hat, whispering, "You could always be busier."
A surprise encounter with an unexpected deadline may cast long shadows across your meticulously organized calendar. Do not resist. Surrender, and let the impending sense of doom keep you warm. Remember, sleep is just a rumor you heard at your last performance review.
Your innate ambition may urge you towards glory, but the only mountain you’ll summit today is Mount Email. Still, cosmic forces advise taking five slow, deep breaths while questioning reality and your working hours—it’s cheaper than therapy and nearly as effective at dulling existential panic.
This evening, you’ll feel strangely accomplished after moving a paper from one stack to another. Bask in it, Capricorpse. Sometimes survival is the greatest victory against the undead tide of efficiency.