Capricorpse Horrorscope

Dear Capricorpse, today you rise, begrudgingly, from your cocoon of half-finished to-do lists and existential dread. The cosmos urges you to achieve, but only in the sense that consciousness itself is an achievement. If you manage to reply to a single email or utter a coherent thought, consider it a triumph rivaling the construction of the pyramids—just less structurally sound.

Fragments of memories from careers you never had and ambitions you quietly smothered under a pillow will flicker through your mind like a slideshow run by a sleep-deprived poltergeist. You’ll find yourself haunted by the suspicious sound of a deadline approaching—though it might just be your own heartbeat stubbornly continuing without your explicit consent.

The stars advise you to embrace your scheduling mishaps. Perhaps your calendar double-booked you for both "meeting with destiny" and "napping under your desk" at 3:00 pm. Opt for the latter; at least dreams tend to arrive on time without needing a Zoom invitation.

Keep an eye out for cryptic messages in work memos and coffee stains—they may contain the secret to surviving until the weekend. Or, more likely, a reminder that no matter how many things you tick off your list, the universe can always find you a few more.