Piscescream Horrorscope

Awash in the perpetual fog banks of your own subconscious, Piscescream, today you’ll attempt to decipher reality from your more melodramatic daydreams. Spoiler: Reality is much less exciting, and considerably more damp. Expect at least three strangers to give you The Look—yes, that one, as if they know your most embarrassing memory. Perhaps they do. You might have broadcast it telepathically, or maybe you’re just muttering again.

Your intuition may feel especially psychic today, but do not attempt to predict the bus schedule, the outcome of any conversation with authority figures, or the weather. All will go precisely the opposite of whatever your dreaming dread hypothesizes. Consider this the universe’s way of keeping you humble (and slightly jumpy).

If a mysterious sensation of déjà vu strikes, simply nod knowingly. The cosmic bureaucracy put your day on repeat so you could catch all the important omens you missed—but you’ll probably just zone out again. Just remember: that shadow in the corner is probably a coat rack. Or something that’s just borrowed its shape.