Scorpianxiety Horrorscope

Dearest Scorpianxiety, the cosmos wonders if you slept at all or simply spiraled through an endless mental inventory of unattended appliances, emotionally charged paperweights, and doors that may or may not be locked. Today, Pluto whispers: "Rest is unnecessary when you possess pure, caffeinated worry as your life force." Perhaps you'll answer emails you never sent or challenge a lightbulb to a staring contest. Neither will blink.

Your talent for holding grudges extends to inanimate objects, so beware of faulty zippers and pens that run out of ink mid-thought. They are plotting against you, but not as cleverly as you think. Go ahead—glare suspiciously at that creaky floorboard. It knows what it did.

This is also a sublime day for uncovering mysteries, like the constellations that appear in your shower tiles and the suspiciously soggy spot in your carpet. Remember, not everything is a coded message from the universe—some things are just... mildly damp.

Tonight, as you check the locks nineteen times, know the universe is with you—in the least reassuring way possible. Sweet dreams, Secretive Spectre. May your ghosts be as forgetful as your passwords.