Scorpianxiety Horrorscope

The planets have gathered in their usual solemn council to discuss your cosmic security deposit, Scorpianxiety. Today, you may find yourself inexplicably certain that someone (or something) is moving your keys exactly 1.3 centimeters to the left every time you blink. Spoiler: it's not a ghost, just your subconscious playing hopscotch with your comfort zones.

Your legendary knack for holding grudges against offending coat racks and suspicious thermostats reaches an exhilarating peak this afternoon. Remember that pen that betrayed you by running out of ink last November? Today is an opportune moment for silent revenge – perhaps by locking it in the drawer next to the equally culpable dead batteries.

Human interactions may feel more shadowy than usual as unspoken secrets hang between you and loved ones like moth-eaten velvet curtains. Should you share a deep truth, or keep it in the vault with the rest of your emotional monogrammed dish towels? Either way, your mysterious aura will radiate like a haunted night light in a toddler’s room: oddly soothing, yet undeniably eerie.

Tonight, as you check (and re-check) your door locks, reflect on the fact that not even the universe can guarantee true safety. But it does enjoy watching you try.